Jokes and Silly Pictures

• Watson and Holmes under the stars
  • Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.  "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
    "What does that tell you?"
    Watson pondered for a minute.  "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
    Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.  Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
    Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.  "Watson, you idiot, Some bastard has stolen our tent."

• Christmas Joke:

  • A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
    "No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said".
    Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a communist party  official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing". As the official  approached,  the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?" "It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the red knows rain dear."
• Roads
  • A Motorway goes into a pub and shouts
    "OI. I'M A MOTORWAY, SIX LANES, TWO HARD SHOULDERS, AND A CENTRAL RESERVATION. I WANT A BEER, AND I MEAN NOW COS' I'M THAT HARD"
    The barman serves him.
    Shortly afterwards a Dual Carriageway comes into the pub.
    The Motorway shouts,
    "OI. WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE, I'M A MOTORWAY AND THAT HARD, SO WATCH IT"
    The Dual cariageway says "its OK mate I only want a beer, no trouble" and continues with his life.
    Then a small piece of red coloured tarmac goes into the bar.
    On seeing it, the Motorway stops drinking and runs around to hide behind the Dual Carriageway. "Whats up asks the Dual
    Carriageway?"
    The Motorway says "I'm not here, you haven't seen me. Schtum"
    The Dual Carriage says "you aren't afraid of that little bit of red coloured tarmac are you?"
    The Motorway replies,
    "It may only be a bit of tarmac to you but I happen to know that its a raving cyclepath"
• Sony's take on Windows error messages
  • Sony has announced its own computer operating system now available on its hot new portable PC called the Vaio. Instead of producing the cryptic error messages characteristic of Microsoft's Windows 95, 3.1, and DOS operating systems, Sony's chairman Asai Tawara said, "We intend to capture the high ground by putting a human, Japanese face on what has been - until now - an operating system that reflects Western cultural hegemony. For example, we have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with our own Japanese haiku poetry."
    The chairman went on to give examples of Sony's new error messages:
    
    A file that big?
    It might be very useful.
    But now it is gone.
    
    The Web site you seek
    Cannot be located.
    But countless more exist.
    
    Chaos reigns within.
    Reflect, repent, reboot.
    Order shall return.
    
    ABORTED effort.
    Close all that you have worked on.
    You ask way too much.
    
    Yesterday it worked.
    Today it is not working.
    Windows is like that.
    
    First snow, then silence.
    This thousand dollar screen
    dies so beautifully.
    
    With searching comes loss
    and the presence of absence.
    "My Novel" not found.
    
    The Tao that is seen
    is not the true Tao
    until you bring fresh toner.
    
    Windows NT crashed.
    I am the Blue Screen of Death.
    No one hears your screams.
    
    Stay the patient course;
    of little worth is your ire.
    The network is down.
    
    A crash
    reduces your expensive computer
    to a simple stone.
    
    Three things are certain:
    Death, taxes, and lost data.
    Guess which has occurred.
    
    You step in the stream
    but the water has moved on.
    This page is not here.
    
    Out of memory
    We wish to hold the whole sky.
    But we never will.
    
    Having been erased
    The document you're seeking
    Must now be retyped.
    
    Serious error
    All shortcuts have disappeared.
    Screen and mind are blank.
    
• Answers from a British CCSE Exam:
  • Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Desert and travelled by Camel. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
    The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinness, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
    Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
    Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
    The Greeks were a highly sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
    Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
    In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
    Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by  playing the fiddle to them.
    Joan of Arc was burned to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
    Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
    In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
    Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah".
    It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
    The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
    Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. He wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
    During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
    Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many peopple died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
    Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people  enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
    Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and wrote a book called Candy.
    Gravity was invented by Isaac Newton. It is mainly noriceable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
    Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
    Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
    The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
    The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
    Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
    Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
    The first World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
• The Spell Checker.
  • Eye halve a spelling chequer;
    It came with my pea sea.
    It plainly marques four my revue
    Miss steaks eye can knot sea.
    
    Eye strike a key and type a whirred
    And weight four it two say
    Weather eye am wrong or write.
    It shows me strait a weigh.
    
    As soon as a mist ache is maid,
    It nose bee fore two long;
    An dye can put the era rite.
    Its rare lea ever wrong.
    
    Eye have run this poem threw it.
    I'm sheer your pleased two no
    Its letter perfect awl the weigh;
    My chequer tolled me sew.
• Grandfather
  • A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.
    "How are you grandpa?" he asks.
    "Feeling fine," says the old man.
    "What's the food like?"
    "Terrific, wonderful menus."
    "And the nursing?"
    "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
    "What about sleeping?  Do you sleep OK?"
    "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out  like a light."
    The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
    "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm  told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
    "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out  of bed."
• Bill Clinton
  • Bill Clinton has apparently discovered an 11th commandment:
    Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff!
• Charles and Di
  • On the day of the wedding, Di was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes. Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Di for the day. Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Di's feet were agony. When she and Charlie withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off. The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream. Eventually they heard Charlie say 'God, that was tight. 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.' Then, to their surprise, they heard Charlie say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Charlie said. 'My God. That was even tighter.' 'That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
• Chester the Lab Rabbit
  • Chester the lab rabbit is getting pretty sick and tired of rearranging his social calendar with the excuse that he's "shampooing his eyes", so one day while he's out in the courtyard pushing the medicine ball around with the other bunnies, he spots a gap in the fence and legs it.  He scrapes through the hail of bullets from the machine-gun nests and makes a wild bid for freedom. Some time later, he finds himself in open country, and whilst he's catching his breath, admiring the scenery he had hitherto only dreamed of, a group of grey, dirty, tough-looking specimens pop out of a warren to inspect the intruder.  They circle him, muttering "Wow, look at that pink-eyed guy", and "never seen anything like it." After a while, Chester pipes up "Hi, guys!  You must be wild rabbits: I've heard about you.  I'm Chester, one of the lab-rabbits from the medical testing facility a way back there."  After the sharp intake of breath at the mention of the facility, the largest rabbit, clearly the leader, says "Well, you're free now, so you'd better come with us." "What are we going to do?" asks Chester. "Well," says the wild bunny, "You see that field over there?  That's full of lettuces.  We bust in there, and munch as much as we can before the farmer comes out with his shootin' iron.  Got it?  Right - GO!" All the rabbits pile into the field and start chewing down on the lettuce. The leaves are delicious: succulent, cool and glistening with the morning dew.  Chester's never tasted anything like it, and he's in bunny heaven. When they've finished the lettuces, Chester asks "Right, so what do we do now?" "Well," says the wild rabbit, "You see that field over there?  That's full of carrots.  They're just about ready for picking.  We've been waiting  months for this chance.  We break in there, gobble as many carrots as we possibly can before the farmer sets the dogs on us.  Ready?  GO!" All the rabbits clear the fence and cram kilos of carrots into their toothy little mouths.  Chester is so stuffed he can hardly move.  "Wow!  That was great!  What do we do now?  We've still got the best part of the day in front of us.  Usually by now they're sticking electrodes in my arse."  "Well," says the wild rabbit, "You see that warren over there?  That's full of girl bunnies, and we go in there and shag the lot, right? Ready? GO!" Everyone piles into the warren and gets busy, shagging (wait for it) like rabbits.  Chester has the most fantastic sex, with the most beautiful rabbits he could possibly have dreamed of.  After the dust settles, he  says: "Well, guys, that was great!  I've had the best time with you, but I'm sorry: I'm going to have to get back to the lab." The other rabbits are incredulous. "What the are you talking about, Chesty? You've seen the life of the wild rabbit - eaten lettuce in the morning sunshine, carrots for lunch and had copious, limitless sex at your disposal.  What do you mean you want to go back?!" "I know, I know," says Chester. "It's just that I'm gasping for a fag."
• Lessons
  • Lesson number ONE 
    A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.  A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
    Moral:  To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
    Lesson number TWO
    A turkey was chatting with a bull.   "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"  sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."   "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?"  replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients."  The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.  The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.  Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
    Moral:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
    Lesson number THREE
    When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.  The brain said, " I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."  The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."  The hands said, " We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.  Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain  fevered.  Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.  All the other parts did  all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit.
    Moral:  You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
• Virus alert
  • The following new computer viruses have been detected. Please be alert for them when you scan your computers ... which you -ARE- doing, we trust.
    BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.
    OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 6GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 6 GB.
    BT VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
    Mercury VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the BT virus.
    POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
    RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.
    ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears.  It'll be back.
    DAN QUAYLE VIRUS : Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!
    GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
    FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
    GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)
    TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
    ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
    CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
    AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.
    FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
    ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs;  only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.
    OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.
    NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
    HUGH GRANT VIRUS - Charges you fifteen dollars, goes down on you and then trashes your career.

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